It's a no-nonsense (read: basic) book telling you that most of the excuses you get from men result in one clear message: 'He's just not that in to you'. I think it oversimplifies things a lot, but the more I read and relate it to past relationships, I see there's a lot of truth in it too.
Greg's (the male writer) central premise is that if a man is interested in you, he will pursue you, despite any obstacles he might face, e.g.: a demanding job, having just come out of a relationship, moving house, living far away etc. In fact, I think men rather like obstacles, as it makes them feel a sense of achievement when they obtain the prize - that's you. So if you meet what seems like Mr. Right and he doesn't call when he says he will, or ums and ahs about not wanting to ruin the friendship, or not being ready, or being really busy etc, chances are, he's just not that into you.
I thought about some of my old relationships and heard a lot of familiar stuff in the book. I had one boyfriend who would see me twice a week. Only. That was the schedule, which was dictated by him. On a gut level I found this odd, after all, wasn't the whole idea of being really into someone about seeing them as and when you felt the need to, even on a whim? I appreciate and value the need for having your own space and time out of a relationship, but aren't the first weeks (even months) always a bit lusty in any new fling? In this instance it all seemed so regimented, and I kept thinking, "God, I just want to see you," but he didn't appear to return the sentiment. Later he went on holiday to America, and two weeks turned into two months, and then six, and I would get the occasional friendly postcard, but nothing more then a few lines of what he was getting up to. No, "I miss you", or "I can't wait to see you again", and god forbid, certainly no "I love you". Eventually I got the message loud and clear and when he finally called me, I told him that I wasn't planning on waiting around and broke up with him. Not surprisingly, he wasn't too upset by that.
The book would say this guy was sending me clear messages for a long time, but as obvious as it was, I guess I was smitten, and made up a lot of excuses for him and his bad behaviour before admitting defeat.
When I first met Robert (someone I was to learn prizes his personal space and time with his friends), we were inseparable. In fact, friends complained that they required Superglue dissolvent to prise us apart. And it's true - from the moment we met (barring a pre-planned holiday he went on and some business trips) we have been virtually inseparable. Naturally, once the relationship settled in, we got into the rhythm of mutual nights out with friends etcetera, but there is always that contact, that connection, and a real and genuine joy at the end of the evening knowing that we are coming home to each other. This is what Greg (the book guy) would say is when you know its right.
Another guy I dated would only see me during the week (never on weekends) and often cancelled evenings out because he was 'busy at work'. Knowing what I know now, the message there was clear too. Once again when I ended things there was no ululating or pulling of hair, and not even a phonecall to get me back.
Yet another guy lived in Paris and we would send loads of emails back and forth and speak nearly every night on the phone. That was in the first couple of weeks. Then I noticed the emails gradually became less, as did the phone calls. He would call me and leave a message and then I'd try and call back and get his voicemail. I'd then wait sometimes days before the next call. I know what Greg would say about this one.
The book takes a strong view on cheating and maintains that if a guy does this he doesn't respect and value you or the relationship, and perhaps doesn't even like you, so don't take any excuses and dump him pronto. Amazingly, a lot of people make excuses for their cheating partners and often put the blame on themselves. One women featured in the book said her boyfriend had slept with someone else because she had gained a bit of weight and he was finding it tough being attracted to her. Oh pahleeese! Ever heard of good old fashioned communication like "Honey, let's join the gym together" ?
I've just finished a section on 'If he doesn't want to have sex with you, he's just not that into you', a frightening prospect to the good ol ego, but something which happens more often then we think. Greg maintains that any red-blooded male will want to get his mitts on you, and if he has real problems with intimacy will get some help if he values the relationship. I'll touch base when I finish.
The info in the book is derived from doing mini surveys (probably the writers friends), and letters from various women (again, probably the writers friends), but it gets the point across, and manages to span a variety of case scenarios. I'd read it with a good ol pinch of salt, but it does raise some good questions and leave you with something to think about. Certainly in each instance that I could relate back to my own past relationships, the clues were the same, and it did in fact turn out that the bloke in question just wasn't that into me, based on his reaction when I ended things. So if you are uncertain about a chap who just doesn't quite seem as keen as you are, you may want to give this book a read.
And remember, there is always time to call, even if it's just a two minute one to say: "I can't talk right now, but I'm thinking of you and we'll touch base later."
Origin: pua-celebrities.blogspot.com
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